A Crazy Place

In the eerie night-time light of a mall parking lot in the mid 90's the feuding parents of an infant met to exchange her after a weekend visitation.  The encounter ended in the death of both parents.  The child's father shot the child's mother, and then turned the gun on himself. 

One of the most difficult jobs I've ever had was running a child visitation and exchange program in Northern Virginia that was created, in part, as a result of this tragedy. 

I was the first director of the newly created program but my experience, sadly, also ended with a similar disaster. Working with nearly every client in this program was a hurdle unique to each particular situation. The only thing they had in common was that they were all court ordered to participate. I worked with parents who had to exchange their kids through a mediator because they were just simply unable or unwilling to control their anger in front of their children (or anywhere else). This anger took so many unpredictable forms. I worked with parents who had to be forced to turn over their kids to the other parent because they were either pissed off at the ex, or worse, because they were afraid the ex would hurt the kids but it hadn't quite happened yet. Everyone was at fault. Everyone was a little crazy. Some with good reason. It was hard not to take sides; different sides every week. 

The court ordered visitation was even more scary. I watched fathers suspected of sexual abuse pull toddlers into their laps in the comfortable rocking chairs we so hospitably provided. I routinely turned away parents who showed up to visit with their small, trusting, adorable, vulnerable little kids while unbelievably drunk out of their minds or high as a kite. I sympathized with a set of grandparents who had sued their incarcerated teenage son's ex for visitation with their grandson until I got to know them better. Let's just say their son probably got himself incarcerated to get away from them. 

I also taught classes about how to help children cope with divorce to parents who were court ordered to be there. This was a "volunteer" part of the job.  I will never do this again. I have never seen a group of people so stubborn, so angry, so irrational and so unready to learn.  Anything. I could tell them the sky was blue and they would sneer at me.  You could reach out and touch the waves of animosity in the room. It took shape, had its own smell. Or maybe I was getting a little crazy too. 

You'd think I'd be prepared for my own divorce, but of course I wasn't. Like I said, every situation is unique.  I'm not saying that my situation is comparable to my former clients' and no one's been court ordered to do anything, yet, but the whole deal really, really sucks. It sucks to have an angry ex-spouse who does things that adversely affects my child. It sucks to have to pack my child's suitcase all the time.  I fantasize that one of us moves away (which is never going to happen).  

Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me, so tonight I write, and remember. Right before I left the visitation and exchange program in 1997 one of my father clients stabbed and killed his ex wife at a bus stop in front of their two pre-school aged children, making them, effectively, orphans. The father's defense attorney called me in Texas shortly after I'd moved back home to ask me if I'd come back and testify on his behalf. The attorney had read in my case notes about how the mom continually refused to show up for exchanges, saddening and enraging the father (she insisted he was either drunk or high, and he often, though not always, was). They thought I might be sympathetic.  I was not. 

I saw how frustrated and angry these parents were with each other, but nothing justifies the end they came to and I would never, even in my craziest imaginings, have predicted that outcome.  I am so sorry for those children and their mother to this day, and I wonder if I had been more attentive to the signs if I could have prevented what happened. Probably not, but I can't help but wonder.  I say I wasn't prepared for my own divorce, but my experiences in Virginia had to have had some impact on me.  I know that no matter what happens in my situation, I put my child first.  I try to think about how my ex is feeling, even on his most crazy acting days.  I understand that sometimes a parent won't think, can't think or just simply could never comprehend how adversely their negative actions affect their children.  It makes me sad, everyday, but it doesn't make me crazy.     

The Children are Watching

There is an “Anti-bullying movement” going on, and practically every state in the union has some version of an anti-bullying law on the books.  If you Google “anti-bullying movement” you can read about all kinds of efforts on the part of legislators, schools, parenting groups and even students to stop the spread of bullying.  I just did and was compelled to collect my thoughts and blog for the first time in 2012. 

I’m going to go ahead and say that I would bet big money that a majority of the individuals striving to “stop bullying” by day, sit down in front of their television many a night for what I think is a major bully-fest:  "Reality TV."

I’m quite well aware of the fact that since I don’t watch reality TV I can hardly pretend to be an expert.  I also know that mine is a minority opinion and that it’s commonly accepted that most reality TV shows are just good-natured contests.  But I disagree – I’ve seen and heard enough, and I think it’s just plain old public humiliation-- and our kids are watching. 

As a kid I remember being uncomfortable watching “Candid Camera.”  It made me squirmy with embarrassment, and I felt so sorry for the people who were “tricked” so everyone could laugh at them.  When I was older I watched “Trading Spaces,” a program in which couples swapped houses and redecorated.  I didn’t like this version of reality TV any better.   I was annoyed by the sanctimonious comments of the show’s designers passing judgment on the homeowner’s décor taste with witty comment such as “Seriously? Those curtains!  What in the world were they thinking?”  I can’t say I don’t think things like this all the time, but I don’t say it out loud on national television. My mother would not approve. 

Then there was the infamous first season of “Survivor.”  If it isn’t painfully obvious that voting people off the island is major bullying then I don’t know what is.  It brings back memories of “Lord of the Flies,” which I think it was meant to, but when my class read that book back in high school, our English teacher never appeared to glory in the boys’ descent into savagery.  I can’t say as much for “Survivor” viewers.  Anything goes in the quest to win millions. 

In my very first blog post I suggested that it might be good for the soul and the body to exchange a few hours of reality TV for some good old volunteering in the community.  I still think so.  I also think that reality TV is sanctioned bullying and less of it would be good for our kids.  But as much as I wish the reality TV fad would pass, it flourishes, like bullying, on TV, in our schools and on the Internet.  We have thought up more and more downright mean-spirited ways to publicly humiliate people on national TV than ever before! And as long as the adult role models continue to vigorously root to vote people off the island, off the runway, off the stage and even out of the kitchen, the kids will continue to be watching.    

Cut the Fat Already!

If one more person tells me that I either need to “cut the fat during these lean times” in my non-profit budget, or that I need to “look for money elsewhere” due to all the state and federal cuts, I may say something I regret.  When that happens, I pity the catalyst.

Since writing is therapy for me – let me address these statements here.  First, the “fat.”  There is no fat.  Since we canceled the staff meetings in Cozumel, we could not be leaner.  Oh wait - I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.  Of course we’ve never had such luxuries.  Our staff sit cross-legged on the floor on 15 year old industrial carpet in the lobby during staff meetings and wish they were in Cozumel.

In all seriousness, I am afraid that we are too lean.  In our agency, lean means that our few enrollment staff have hundreds of volunteers in their queues waiting for interview slots that just are not available.  It means that criminal background and reference checks are stacking up.  It means that our match support staff members have too many families on their caseloads to be able to effectively address all their needs.  It means that we currently have 1,376 unmatched at-risk students on a wait list for a Big Brother or Big Sister. 

So lets move to this issue of “finding money elsewhere.”  The implications in the statement “you’re just going to have to turn to other sources to make up for cuts” are, frankly, almost insulting. That statement assumes that we are not always aggressively searching for “other sources” of funding.  It implies that we are not compelled to be able to hire the staff to match those 1,300+ students with mentors.  It insinuates that we are content to sit back and relax while “government funds make it easy for us.” 

All of this is most certainly not the case.  Make no mistake here:  When parents, teachers, counselors, therapists, principals, judges, probation and parole officers, CPS staff and other social service providers call us with a student referral, we know that we are at a crossroads in the life of that youth.  We know that the time to provide that student with a mentor is now. We know we could lose them while they sit on a wait list.  We are acutely, heartbreakingly aware that many of these students will not get the mentors they need; mentors who could help them develop the life skills necessary to overcome the environmental cycles of poverty, failure, abuse,  drop-out and incarceration they face everyday. 

But, just in case, if there are places we aren’t looking, and anyone who reads this happens to know of a source of funding, please, please let us know. Here is a summary of our current efforts:  We receive funding from many, many local businesses and corporations.  We conduct several friend- and fund-raising events, large and small – enough to keep our staff working overtime – every year.  We are the beneficiary of others’ fundraising activities.  We write tons of grants to foundations and receive our share.  We do all kinds of social media campaigns.  We are lucky enough to be a United Way agency and receive wonderful support from that organization.  We apply for and receive city, county, state and federal funds from a variety of funding streams.  We ask all of our volunteers and parents for donations and many of their companies also make matching contributions. The members of our Board of Directors make personal contributions and work to identify other sources of revenue for the agency all year long. 

We do all this alongside thousands of other non profit agencies in San Antonio and the surrounding areas.  It is the hardest work I have ever done in my life.  But it is worth every second!

A Ludicrous Job

One of the nicest things that my ex-husband, who is an attorney, ever said to me was that working for a non-profit is a ludicrous job, and he greatly admired me for taking it on.  But admiration, while nice, only gets you so far, to which I can attest, working in the social service sector for over 17 years.  I understand the point he was making regarding the ludicrousness, which is that so many non-profits not only have to provide services, but then they also have to find the money to pay for those services, on behalf of the clients they serve.  Crazy!  He rolled his eyes at the idea of not only having to provide legal services for all of his clients but then turning around and having a second full time job finding a way to pay for doing so.  

Those of us who are working to provide services for socially and economically disadvantaged individuals, especially children, in order for them to be able to surmount the environmental challenges they face from birth, are being shafted, right along with our clients.  This really is a ludicrous job.  I am the CEO of a very well known youth development non-profit organization that has been providing a highly effective and well researched service for over 100 years.  Yet year after year we can’t meet the demand for our services, and year after year we struggle to find ways to pay the bills associated with the services we do manage to provide.  And we fund-raise our tails off.  Writing grants, putting on special event fundraisers, exploring the “infinite possibilities” of social media, and asking, asking, asking everyone and their mailmen for money.  And these efforts occur right alongside the thousands of other non profit organizations in this city doing the exact same thing.  Charitable competition.  What’s THAT all about?

I will never forget a lovely conversation I was having at a cocktail party, with the hostess, when I was new to my non profit.  About 10 minutes into this conversation she asked me what I do.  When I answered, she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.  I was frankly quite bewildered and had to experience this phenomenon several times again in my career before I caught on to the fear that caused her retreat.  She didn’t want to be hit up to support my cause.  To her credit, she was probably doing well more than her share of philanthropy at the time, but to my credit, I was not in the habit of asking for money from virtual strangers at social events.  Then. 

For 17 years, I have been relatively dignified and restrained in my fund raising efforts.  But these days, in light of local, state and federal budget deficits and the cuts I am expecting for my non profit going forward (coming right after all the cuts I have already experienced throughout the recession), no one is going to be safe from me.  I mean, how else in the world am I supposed to do this ludicrous job?  Our phones are ringing off the hook at the office.  The demand for services is astronomical.  And we can help.  We have the answers – but we can’t do it without funding.   

When I said that we have been shafted, I meant it.  We social service providers bear the lion’s share of responsibility for addressing some of our community’s most pervasive problems.  Problems like poverty, abuse and neglect, failure, substance abuse, teen pregnancy, and juvenile crime and incarceration.  These are problems that prevent our children from growing up and experiencing the American Dream that we continue to tell ourselves is still achievable for all in the United States of America.  But while we have all that responsibility, we certainly have not had the support to make it happen.  It’s not only ludicrous, sometimes I am afraid that it’s impossible. 

I'm So Glad I Answered the Phone Today!

In 1995 I was working at Big Brothers Big Sisters as a part time case manager.  One day a young man called the agency and changed my life forever.  He told me the story of being mentored in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program many years before.  He told me that he was now 24 years old and graduating from college and he was sure he would never had done it without the encouragement of his Big Brother.  He described how his Big Brother had opened his eyes to endless opportunities and gave him hope for the future.

This phone call, about a life changing mentoring relationship inspired in me a life long passion for the mission of mentoring.  For the past 15 years I have been involved with Big Brothers Big Sisters as either an employee or a mentor, or both.  My Little Brother, Christian, and I have been matched for 7 years; he is 13 and just finished the 7th grade.  As the CEO of the organization my days are filled with fundraising and these are tough times for fundraising.  Budget cuts are being made much faster than I can make up the revenue.  It can be discouraging.  That's why, today, I am writing this blog post to express my sincere gratitude to a program Mom who called me up to thank me for the program.

About an hour ago, Mom M. called to tell me that her son and daughter just graduated from high school, and she wanted to thank the Big Brothers Big Sisters agency for providing them with a Big Brother volunteer and a Big Sister volunteer who helped her kids during some very challenging times in their lives.  She described some of the outings the kids and the volunteers did together.  She told me how the Big Brother inspired a love of cars in her son that has helped him think in terms of making career decisions and keeping his future in perspective through the hard times.  She shared that the Big Brother recently took his Little Brother to dinner to celebrate his accomplishments.

Her phone call was a much needed reminder for me of why we do what we do at Big Brothers Big Sisters - even during times like as we encounter cuts, and more cuts - and then even more cuts - and no replacement funding in sight.   Today there are over 1,400 kids on the waiting list for a Big Brother or Big Sister, and I think about them every day.  Thanks to Mom M., today I am thinking of them with renewed energy and passion - and a commitment to do everything I can on their behalf, so that one day, they too can graduate high school and look into a future in which their dreams can come true.

CHOOSING EFFECTIVENESS: Our children only have one childhood, and it is now.

About 10 years ago, a kindly reverend, who also happened to be a 2 time Mayor of Philadelphia, visited a prison in Pennsylvania, and in that prison he met a grandfather.  He also met that grandfather's son and grandson – incarcerated in that prison.  Not only were all three IN prison, but they had all MET there.  And the grandson had a young baby boy—born on the outside.  The grandson appealed to the reverend, he said – “I am afraid – so afraid that I will meet MY son – in here.  Is there anything that can be done to make this stop?”  So that reverend started the Amachi mentoring program for children of incarcerated parents.  He began this program to stop the devastating, destructive, hopeless and generational cycle of incarceration that an overwhelming majority of youth in our country are facing, especially minority youth.  This program came to Texas in 2006, funded out of the Governors office and administered by Big Brothers Big Sisters. 

Since 2006, the Amachi program has served thousands of children of prisoners across Texas – MANY here in Bexar county.  Since 2006, 99% of these vulnerable youth have stayed OUT of the juvenile justice system.  In the current Texas state budget this program is completely eliminated. 

I understand that we have to make cuts.  I understand that we have to balance our budget. I understand that we must be fiscally responsible.  But I don’t understand cutting programs that are so effective, so necessary, and so economically beneficial.  I don’t understand making cuts so arbitrary and capricious in the sense that they do not appear to take program performance and outcomes into account in any way.  99% of youth who were statistically on their way to going into the family business are making different decisions in THIS program. They are making these decisions because their mentors are showing them that they have other options. 

Now there’s a word.  Options.  We too have options. Texas has options other than totally eliminating the highly effective programs and services that are so critical to the continued growth and development and success of our youth.   Programs like Amachi that without a doubt keep kids out of trouble and in school. 

These are turbulent times and we also need to carefully make the right decisions.  How we act now will affect the future of Texas significantly.  Our children are on a precipice; they only have one childhood, and its now.  At Big Brothers Big Sisters, our mentors help kids facing challenges see their way to making the choices that have the best chance for success in the long run. In Texas, we need to make choices that have the best chance for success in the long run. And we certainly cannot choose to abandon youth who are already so deprived of positive adult support.  We cannot send them yet another message that they don’t matter.   Making the right choices is not easy.  But choosing effectiveness is always right. 

What the Wealthy are Thinking about Philanthropy in the “New Normal”

Last week at the Association of Fund Raising Professional’s (AFP) annual Conference in San Antonio, Bank of America's Kenny Wilson spoke at the Friday breakfast.  He began by telling us that he is “not a speaker.” I have to insist that this simply isn’t true.  He was not only witty and articulate but eloquent and genuine as he shared his and others' thoughts about the “New Normal” in philanthropy.   Kenny described how he contacted some of the most generous philanthropists in San Antonio to get their perspectives on how the current economic environment will affect giving.  His research is illuminating.  

Nonprofits across the state and nation are facing catastrophic government revenue budget cuts.  Foundations are strapped.  Event revenues are down.  Kenny asked some of the wealthiest individuals to speak with candor about how their giving will change as a result of current circumstances.  Some of their comments included:  

 “Before giving, I will want a plan; with specifics and careful measuring.”  “My money is more precious than before.”  “I am more averse to risk.”  “I do not expect the growth of the past.”  “I will study the causes to which I will give.”   “I will focus on the top tier organizations.” “I will treat giving like an investment.” “I will expect a multiplying effect from my gift.”  “I will expect accountability.”  “There will be less giving to a friend’s cause because he/she gave to mine.”   “I will ask ‘Can someone do this better,’ or ‘Can we stop doing this and avoid duplication.’”  “I will expect more mergers and alliances for greater efficiencies.”  “I will give where my heart is, but also where the problems are; I want to help solve problems.”  “I want to be hands on; not detached.”  

In light of these insights from individuals who are positioned to invest in our non- profit infrastructure, I think it is both timely and relevant that this Thursday, a local group of funders is conducting a panel discussion on how funding is allocated.  They will ponder what “transformative social impact” could look like in our community.  Discussion points have been culled from the book “Billions of Drops in Millions of Buckets:  Why Philanthropy Doesn’t’ Advance Social Progress.” In this book, author Steven Goldberg postulates that by reducing funding fragmentation we can increase social impact.  This fragmentation is the result of billions of philanthropic dollars being “haphazardly” allocated across as many as 2 million non profits, which significantly dilutes the impact of those dollars.   The answer might be to invest greater amounts of revenue in fewer, highly effective organizations over longer periods of time while rigorously measuring progress.  (Piece of cake, right!?)  The panel was formed by Amy Phipps of the Zachry Foundation and will be moderated by Linda McDavitt from the Genevieve and Ward Orsinger Foundation.  Non-Profits leaders and funders will both participate in the panel discussion.